Monday, February 28, 2011
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Alaskan Tourist
Did you ever have a truly bad vacation? One that was so bad that you were not only glad to return home but you wish you had never left?
In the song Wayfarin’ Stranger, the singer struggles with life’s trials and tribulations, but also has hope for seeing loved ones in the afterlife.
Sometimes on a bad vacation one can feel like the Wayfarin’ Stranger. There may be hope for arriving safely in the comfort of one’s home, but there is no hope for vacation happiness to be salvaged.
This was the case with Bigfoot when he went on vacation in Alaska. Not only was he having a terrible time, he also had severe doubts that he would return home safely. In his darkest moments he consoled himself by singing the following song:
Alaskan Tourist
(Sing to Wayfarin’ Stranger)
I’m just a lost Alaskan tourist
A trudgin’ through this world of snow.
And I can’t see because I’m snow blind
In this bright world through which I go.
Just let me know if you see Fairbanks,
If I get there, I’m goin’ home.
You’ll never see me visit Juneau.
You’ll never see my face in Nome.
Copyright August 5, 2009
eMeRaLD Effect Enterprises
Friday, February 25, 2011
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Tree Hugger Romance
What if a tree hugger developed a romantic relationship with a tree? What if the relationship developed problems? Here is the rest of the story:
I came home last night and my girlfriend the apple tree was crying. There were blossoms all over the place.
“What’s wrong?” I axed.
She braced herself and said, “I don’t know how to tell you this, and I wasn’t thinking of branching out, but I’ve met someone else”.
“What went wrong?” I axed. “I thought we wood grow old together. I thought we had good chemistry. I would exhale carbon dioxide which you absorbed and you released oxygen which I inhaled. It was a perfect system. Who is it?”
“I’ve developed a budding relationship with the walnut tree in the park”.
“I thought I ‘saw’ you looking at him”, I whimpered.
“He said he’s nuts about me and that I’m the apple of his eye. I don’t know if it will work out, but, to be fair, I think I should leaf you as soon as possible.”
“Years ago he was poplar but he turned out to be a shady character and I think you’re barking up the wrong tree”, I told her angrily. “That walnut tree was a member of a splinter faction and hung out with some squirrelly characters! You are just infatuated with his pet dogwood tree”.
“That may or may knot be true”, she responded, “but I’m planning to go tonight so I don’t leaf you in limbo.”
I relented and said, “Maple it’s the best thing for you. I wooden want you to miss and opportunity for tree love. I won’t cut you down for your dream of happiness. It’s oak-a with me. I won’t pine for you. Make like a tree and leave before I change my mind”.
I thought she had bats in her belfry, but maple it was just the noise from all the hummingbird nests on her limbs. She rooted through her belongings and packed them in her trunk. The last time I saw her she was going down Peachtree Street weeping like a willow.
Copyright 2009
eMeRaLD Effect Enterprises
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
The Big Green Rooster
Once upon a time a cat and a dog and a mouse and a big green rooster all lived together in a little house.
Often the big green rooster would sleep all day on the soft couch in the living room. Some days the big green rooster would nap all day on the hammock on the shady back porch. On other days the big green rooster would snooze all day in the big chair in the parlor.
The cat and the dog and the mouse had to do all the housework. The cat cooked the meals and washed the dishes. The dog made the beds and swept the floor. The mouse washed the windows and mended the clothes.
Since the big green rooster could only be one place at a time, that left open two comfortable resting places.
If the cat or the dog or the mouse stopped working to rest on the couch or the porch or the chair the big green rooster would wake up. He would shout, “That’s my couch (or porch or chair)!” Then he would sleep wherever the cat or the dog or the mouse had tried to rest.
The cat and the dog and the mouse were too agitated by the big green rooster to get any rest during the day.
The cat and the dog and the mouse raked the leaves and cut the grass and tended the garden. One day when they were working in the garden they found some grains of wheat.
“Who will plant this wheat?” they all cried.
“Not I,” shouted the big green rooster from the soft couch in the living room.
“Then we will,” said the cat and the dog and the mouse. And they did.
Each morning the cat and the dog and the mouse watered the wheat and pulled the weeds. Soon the wheat pushed through the ground and the plants grew quickly.
When the wheat was ripe, the cat and the dog and the mouse asked, “Who will cut this wheat?”
“Not I,” yelled the big green rooster from the hammock on the back porch.
“Then we will,” said the cat and the dog and the mouse. And they did.
When the wheat was cut, the cat and the dog and the mouse asked, “Now, who will take this wheat to the mill to be ground into flour?”
“Not I,” exclaimed the big green rooster from the big chair in the parlor.
“Then we will,” said the cat and the dog and the mouse. And they did.
The cat and the dog and the mouse returned from the mill carrying bags of fine white flour. “Who will make a cake from this fresh white flour?” they asked.
“Not I,” declared the big green rooster from somewhere comfortable.
“Then we will,” said the cat and the dog and the mouse. And they did.
The cat gathered sticks and made a fire in the stove.
The dog took milk and sugar and eggs and butter and mixed them in a big bowl with the nice white flour.
When the oven was hot the mouse poured the cake batter into a pan and put it in the oven.
After a while a wonderful smell filled the little house.
The big green rooster got out of bed and strutted into the kitchen.
The cat and the dog and the mouse were taking a splendid cake out of the oven.
“Who will eat this cake?” they asked.
“Chicken eggs are in that cake,” said the big green rooster. “I am going to eat it.”
But the cat and the dog and the mouse said, “We found the wheat, we planted the wheat, we took care of the wheat, we cut the wheat, and we took the wheat to the mill to be ground into flour. We gathered the sticks, we built the fire, we mixed the cake, and we are going to eat it!”
But the big green rooster grabbed the cake and gobbled it down leaving only crumbs. The cat and the dog and the mouse ate the crumbs because nothing else was left from their hard work with the wheat.
Copyright July 20, 2009
eMeRaLD Effect Enterprises
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Monday, February 21, 2011
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Perhaps I fall in love too easily
(How many song titles can you find in this story?)
Perhaps I fall in love too easily but last night I had the craziest dream.
In my dream you were my melancholy baby. I wrote you love letters and sang you a moonlight serenade. I invited you to walk with me on the stairway to the stars. I said “Close your eyes and let’s fall in love.”
You said, “I’ve heard that song before; let’s not fall in love”.
Now my emotions are runnin’wild and I am the poor soul who sees no moon at all
Even though I’m on the street where you live and I’m getting sentimental over you, still I can’t get started with you. I guess I’m just a prisoner of love.
Perhaps someday my silent love will be fulfilled and you will love me at last. Perhaps the skylark will lead you to me. It could happen to you while we’re young.
Our honeymoon could be on a slow boat to China. Elder couples, charmed by us, would say, “Hello, young lovers!”.
Copyright July 31, 2010
eMeRaLD Effect Enterprises
Saturday, February 19, 2011
What do you get when you go to work?
(Sing to What do you get when you fall in love?)
What do you get when you go to work?
A boss with a pin to burst your bubble.
And that’s what you get for all your trouble.
I’ll never go to work again!
No, no! I’ll never go to work again!
Tell me now:
What do you get when you get a boss?
You get enough germs to catch pneumonia.
When you’re in bed, that’s when he’ll ‘phone ya.
I’ll never go to work again!
No, No! I’ll never go to work again!
Now, don’t tell me what it’s all about,
‘Cause I’ve been there and I’m glad I’m out!
Out of those chains, those chains that bind you,
And that is why I’m here to remind you:
What do you get when you go to work?
You get enough tears to fill an ocean.
That’s what you get and not promotion.
I’ll never go to work again!
No, No! I’ll never go to work again!
I’m out of those chains, those chains that bind you,
And that is why I’m here to remind you:
What do you get when you go to work?
You get enough grief to kill your humor.
You get enough stress to cause a tumor.
I’ll never go to work again!
No, No! I’ll never go to work again!
I’m out of those chains, those chains that bind you,
And that is why I’m here to remind you:
What do you get when you go to work?
You only get strain and pain and sorrow.
So, for at least until tomorrow,
I’ll never go to work again!
No, no! I’ll never go to work again!
Don’t you know that I’ll never go to work again!
Copyright June 27, 2010
eMeRaLD Effect Enterprises
Friday, February 18, 2011
Greta the Gnome
Greta the Gnome was a little girl who lived in Nome, Alaska with her many friends and her Aunt Nim. Greta had been taught by Aunt Nim that if ever she was in trouble she should call out for Glenda the Good Gnome and Glenda would come to save Greta.
Greta had to go to the Nome Gnome School and she didn’t like it very much. The major problem was the teachers. The Nome Gnome School had been through a large number of teachers and nobody there seemed to be very happy.
There were very few gnomes in Nome and that meant that there were not enough qualified local teachers to staff the schools. This forced the Nome Gnome School Board to hire outside teachers to fill the staffing needs. This caused tension in the Nome Gnome School because the outside teachers did not understand Nome Gnome culture. They did not like Nome and they did not like gnomes. They were anti-Nomic and anti-gnomic.
When the outside teacher announced that the day’s lesson would be about antonyms the students groaned. They had tolerated the lesson on palindromes but the thought of a lesson on antonyms made them automatically antagonistic toward the teacher. Their bodies shook and shivered. They were simply anatomically averse to learning about antonyms.
The lesson was so boring that Greta became very drowsy. Suddenly she found herself in “Opposite Land”. Nothing was as it seemed. Everything was the reverse of what it should be. It was bewildering, confusing, and disorienting. She couldn’t tell the difference between up and down, left and right, in and out, back and forth, push and pull, on or off, now and then, not to mention right and wrong.
Greta was just about to sink to the bottom of the abyss when she remembered to call out for Glenda the Good Gnome.
In a flash, Glenda was there to gently offer her help, “My dear little gnome, what is your heart’s fondest desire?”
Greta stopped whimpering and said, “Oh, Glenda I am so grateful that you heard my call and came to help me. I want nothing more than to go back to Nome and be with my gnome friends and to see Aunt Nim again!” Glenda the Good Gnome said, “Your wish is my command! All you need to do is make a wish and click your heels together three times and your wish will come true”.
Greta clicked her heels three times and cried out, “Oh, Auntie Nim there’s no place like Nome, there’s no place like Nome!
Glenda waved her magic wand majestically and suddenly Greta found that she had left Opposite Land and had instantly arrived back at the Nome Gnome School. She was deliriously happy to see her friends and she was looking forward to seeing Aunt Nim when the teacher announced, “Now class, tomorrow’s exciting lesson is on homonyms”.
Greta fainted.
Copyright 2010
eMeRaLD Effect Enterprises
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Tales of the Coyote State Forest
The Coyote State Forest swimming pool had large horseflies last summer. Once I was swimming and two giant horseflies grabbed me by the hair, pulled me out of the water and dropped me on the pool deck. Then a housefly landed on me!
The Coyote State Forest swimming pool has a large amount of chlorine in it. One day a black snake fell into the pool. By the time it swam out on the other side it had turned solid white. Another day a black bear did a cannonball off the diving board. Out of the corner of my eye I saw it jump and I heard the thud when it hit bottom. By the time it came up for air it had become a polar bear.
The water in the Coyote State Forest swimming pool is very cold. One day a rattlesnake fell into the pool. By the time the lifeguard saved the rattlesnake it was so cold it was shaking badly. With the rattle at one end and the chattering teeth at the other end it sounded like a percussion band.
Once day a fellow caught a fish at the Forest pond. The strange thing was that he caught it by the tail. He said it was swimming backward to keep the water out of its eyes.
The maintenance crew at the Coyote State Forest is amazingly skilled with heavy equipment. They are able to place large boulders on the tops of mountains to create very attractive scenic overlooks. Their landscaping skills make it seem as if the rock formations have been there for millions of years.
The rangers have a busy time each spring when the black bears return from Florida. The line at the southern entrance to the Forest can be quite long and some of the bears become unruly as they wait impatiently. They can become quite testy about government regulations especially regarding their right to carry weapons.
The rangers are often occupied through the summer months with bear complaints as they come into the office. Commonly bears complain about rude campers, dirty restrooms and overly tight trash can lids. They also dislike poison ivy and briers on the trails and they seem unusually upset about poorly marked trails.
There is a large overabundance of coyotes in the Coyote State Forest. The rangers captured many of the coyotes and trained them to race while chasing a mechanical rabbit around a track. Forest visitors bet on which coyote will win the races. Lucrative revenues from coyote track gambling have enabled the Forest to operate with a large cash surplus.
If I’m lyin’, I’m dyin’.
Copyright January 29, 2011
eMeRaLD Effect Enterprises
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Poetic License to Kill
I’m a poet
And I know it.
I have a pedigree
To be free.
I have a license
For nonsense.
I’m certified
To commit wordicide.
I love lemons and I love limes.
I love poems with goofy rhymes.
I love limes and I love limericks.
I love lemons and I love lemonricks.
Rhyming words are such a hoot:
Butte and route and suit and flute.
Iambic pentameter made Shakespeare swell.
Trochaic tetrameter will do just as well.
A lousy poet uses couplets;
An artsy poet writes quintuplets.
Homonyms must sound alike
And homonyms are spelled alike.
Their meanings must not be alike.
Is that like something you would like?
Synonym is an antonym of antonym,
But antonym is not a synonym of synonym.
Simile is like the same,
But what’s another likely name?
This poem has a metaphor,
But what’s that silly meta for?
Alliterative lit’rature
Makes a poet seem mature.
Onomatopoeaicisms really bong my bell.
It’s time to go. Auf Wiedersehen! Farewell!
I’ve got thoughts and I’ve got time.
You can call me. Here’s a dime!
I’m a poet
And I know it.
I have a pedigree
To be free.
I have a license
For nonsense.
I’m certified
To commit wordicide.
Copyright February 5, 2011
eMeRaLD Effect Enterprises
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Out of nothing
Out of nothing, God can create something.
Out of darkness, God can create light.
Out of hate, God can create love.
Out of war, God can create peace.
Out of despair, God can create hope.
Out of death, God can create life.
What can God create out of you?
Copyright 2009
eMeRaLD Effect Enterprises
Monday, February 14, 2011
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Praise, Praise, Praise the Lord!
(Sing to CAMEROON PRAISE, Evangelical Lutheran Worship 875)
(The final line of each verse is sung four more times.)
Praise, praise, God the Father!
Praise God’s holy name. Alleluia!
Praise, praise, God the Father!
Praise God’s holy name. Alleluia!
Praise, praise, praise the Son!
Praise his holy name. Alleluia!
Praise, praise, praise the Son!
Praise his holy name. Alleluia!
Praise the Holy Spirit!
We give thanks for life. Alleluia!
Praise the Holy Spirit!
We give thanks for life. Alleluia!
Praise, Praise, Praise the Lord!
Praise God’s holy name. Alleluia!
Praise, Praise, Praise the Lord!
Praise God’s holy name. Alleluia!
Verses 1, 2, and 3:
Copyright 2008 eMeRaLD Effect Enterprises
Verse 4:
Copyright 1994 earthsongs
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Create in Me
(Sing to any long meter hymn tune)
Create in me a pure, clean heart.
Renew my spirit, make it right.
Return me to your presence, God.
Restore to me salvation’s joy.
Console my grief, God heal my pain.
Fulfill my need, Lord hear my plea.
Renew my faith and comfort me.
Create in me abundant life.
Create in me a loving heart.
Restore my soul to wholesome life.
Awake my mind to saving grace.
Renew concern for neighbor’s need.
Transform me through your Holy Word.
Instill in me a love for truth.
Create in me desire to grow.
Inspire in me the will to serve.
Restore to me a vision clear.
Instill in me a fresh, new way.
Remind me of your wondrous love.
Increase my sense of gratitude.
Instill in me a life with hope.
Inspire my soul to live in peace.
Increase in me the will to love.
Create in me a heart with joy.
Instill in me your Spirit’s breath.
Create in me a glad new song.
Inspire my voice to sing your praise.
Surround me with your sounding joy.
Uphold my spirit in your love.
Enfold me in your gentle arms.
Redeem me with your tender grace.
Encircle me with awesome peace.
Create in me a morning bright.
Enliven me throughout the day.
Protect me through the long, cold night.
Refresh my soul with hope at dawn.
This hymn was inspired by Psalm 51: 10-12. It is written in iambic tetrameter, a form commonly used by St. Ambrose. He was Bishop of Milan from 374 to 397. He used a standard structure of eight four line stanzas in iambic tetrameter rather than the nine found here.
Emerald
Copyright 2009
eMeRaLD Effect Enterprises
Friday, February 11, 2011
Jesus, Redeemer
(For the melody by Charles Gounod adapted to the
first prelude of the Well-tempered Clavier by J.S. Bach)
Jesus, Redeemer,
You are called Emmanuel,
God is with us.
Blessed, blessed is your name,
Your name above all names.
O, Divine Redeemer,
Blessed is the Son,
The Son of God, the Lord most high!
Jesus, Redeemer!
Jesus, Redeemer! Redeemer!
Lamb of God, have mercy,
Lamb of God, we call to you.
Jesus, our Redeemer, most high,
In the glory of God the Father.
Amen.
Copyright 1997
eMeRaLD Effect Enterprises
Thursday, February 10, 2011
We Call to You
(Sing to PEASANT SONG by Felix Mendelssohn)
[rhythmically modified]
We call to you.
O hear us, Lord.
Have mercy, save us from our sin.
Lord Jesus Christ.
Emmanuel.
You send your Holy Comforter to give us hope in our distress.
Our Savior, Lord.
Redeemer Divine.
Your love, O Lord, is awesome power.
You sacrificed so we might live.
How then shall we respond to you who gave your life on Calvary?
We praise your name.
We pledge our souls.
We give you our all.
Copyright 2007
eMeRaLD Effect Enterprises
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
God our Refuge
(Sing to SONG TUNE by Henry Purcell)
[transposed to the key of F major]
God our refuge. God our rock.
God is our strength and our help in time of need.
We will not fear though the mountains shake.
God hears our cry and we shall be redeemed.
All you people clap your hands.
Play on the harp. Sound the trumpet to the Lord.
Let us thank him with a joyful noise.
Lift up your voice. Sing to God, all you lands.
Tender mercies. Wondrous love.
Praise to the Lord for the marvel he has done.
Sing with gladness for a God who saves.
It gives delight to obey his will.
Sing Hosanna. Save us, Lord.
We will be fed by the gift of finest wheat.
Sing a new song. All the earth rejoice.
Great is the Lord. Alleluia!
Copyright 2008
eMeRaLD Effect Enterprises
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
O God, Great Creator
(Sing to O SEIGNEUR, Lutheran Book of Worship 545)
[rhythmically modified]
O God, Great Creator.
You live in ecstasy.
Your name is holy.
Your way will be our way.
You provide our daily need.
You forgive when we are wrong.
We forgive what others do.
Lead us in your sacred way.
Protect us from evil.
Your rule is without end.
All power comes from you.
Your glory shines forever.
Amen.
copyright 2009
eMeRaLD Effect Enterprises
Monday, February 7, 2011
Unexpected and Mysterious
Something from nothing
Form from the formless
Light from darkness
Shelter in the wilderness
Water in the desert
Shade from the fierce sun
Warmth in the bitter cold
Food in the face of hunger
A spark in the damp
Rescue from the flood
Hope out of despair
Sanctuary for the exposed
Protection from ruthlessness
Peace dissolves war
A blooming rose in winter
Infinity in love with the forms of time
Divinity in the form of humanity
A little child shall lead us
Redemption from evil
Love melts hate
Unity in diversity
Found are the lost
Healing for the hurting
Flight for the earthbound
Abundance relieves poverty
Connection without touching
The spiritual grows from the mundane
The sacred transcends the profane
Life arises from death
Copyright January 17, 2011
eMeRaLD Effect Enterprises
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