Dragonetti Identity

History tells us that Domenico Dragonetti was an Italian double bass virtuoso, a composer, and an acquaintance of Joseph Haydn, the great symphonist.

Recent research, however, indicates that the traditional story about Dragonetti should not be taken at face value.

In all likelihood, Dragonetti was not Italian, but Russian. It is true that Dragonetti was a composer and a bass player, but he may not have been the virtuoso he was described to be.

There is no doubt that he knew Haydn but it has become apparent that Dragonetti was hidin’ something.

Acting on suspicions, forensic musicologists have exhumed the body of Dragonetti and performed DNA tests on his remains. It has been revealed that Dragonetti was not even human! Examination of his bones indicated the presence of tail bones.

The best speculation is that Dragonetti was born in Russia and moved to Italy but feared that he would encounter anti-Russian sentiment so he Italianized his name. Also, in an attempt to avoid prejudice, he adopted “Dragonetti” to obscure the fact that he was not human.

While Dragonetti had a strong interest in music he was not particularly talented so he chose the double bass because he thought he would only need to play a few slow notes. Also, standing at the back of the orchestra with the other bass players enabled him to hide his rather obvious tail.

The inescapable conclusion is that “Dragonetti” was a pseudonym used by Dragon Eddy in an attempt to hide the fact that he was in truth a Russian Dragon.

The following contemporaneous account seems to verify the revisionist viewpoint on the true nature of “Dragonetti”:

A bassist named Eddy (both Russian and dragon):
His timing was off when he drank from the flagon.
At first he was fast,
Then he slowed at the last.
His band was thrown off by his rushin’ and draggin’.


Copyright August 7, 2009
eMeRaLD Effect Enterprises

Misunderstanding

Classical musicians have a custom of talking about a piece of music by referring to the composer of the piece. If they are talking about a particular symphony by Beethoven, they might refer to it as “the Beethoven”. If they are talking about a particular overture by Mozart, they might refer to it as “the Mozart. They would say, “We’re playing the Mozart tonight”.

There once was a composer named Dragonetti. He is mainly known for only one piece. It is a composition for string bass. It is a popular audition piece for symphony orchestra positions. Every bass player should know how to play “the Dragonetti”.

A few years ago a newspaper reporter interviewed someone who plays bass in a symphony orchestra. The reporter asked the player how he got started with the orchestra. The player responded that for his audition he played “the Dragonetti”.

The reporter did not know about the practice of referring to a piece by its composer and did not know about Dragonetti. It did not occur to the bass player to explain. In the printed newspaper article the bass player was quoted as saying he played “the Dragon Eddy”!

I began to think there might be an actual Dragon named Eddy. Here are some results of my research:

There once was a dragon named Teddy.
He met a young sweetheart named Betty.
They married when ready.
Their marriage was steady.
Their twins were named Freddy and Eddy.

There once was a dragon named Betty.
Her sons were named Freddy and Eddy.
Their stomachs were needy.
Their appetites greedy.
Their mother cooked tons of her meatball spaghetti!

There once was a dragon named Eddy.
He had a twin brother named Freddy.
They had a wild party.
It was hale. It was hearty.
They had champagne, and chocolate, and sparkle confetti!



Copyright July 19, 2009
eMeRaLD Effect Enterprises

Tree Hugger Romance

What if a tree hugger developed a romantic relationship with a tree? What if the relationship developed problems? Here is the rest of the story:

I came home last night and my girlfriend the apple tree was crying. There were blossoms all over the place.

“What’s wrong?” I axed.

She braced herself and said, “I don’t know how to tell you this, and I wasn’t thinking of branching out, but I’ve met someone else”.

“What went wrong?” I axed. “I thought we wood grow old together. I thought we had good chemistry. I would exhale carbon dioxide which you absorbed and you released oxygen which I inhaled. It was a perfect system. Who is it?”

“I’ve developed a budding relationship with the walnut tree in the park”.

“I thought I ‘saw’ you looking at him”, I whimpered.

“He said he’s nuts about me and that I’m the apple of his eye. I don’t know if it will work out, but, to be fair, I think I should leaf you as soon as possible.”

“Years ago he was poplar but he turned out to be a shady character and I think you’re barking up the wrong tree”, I told her angrily. “That walnut tree was a member of a splinter faction and hung out with some squirrelly characters! You are just infatuated with his pet dogwood tree”.

“That may or may knot be true”, she responded, “but I’m planning to go tonight so I don’t leaf you in limbo.”

I relented and said, “Maple it’s the best thing for you. I wooden want you to miss and opportunity for tree love. I won’t cut you down for your dream of happiness. It’s oak-a with me. I won’t pine for you. Make like a tree and leave before I change my mind”.

I thought she had bats in her belfry, but maple it was just the noise from all the hummingbird nests on her limbs. She rooted through her belongings and packed them in her trunk. The last time I saw her she was going down Peachtree Street weeping like a willow.


Copyright 2009
eMeRaLD Effect Enterprises

The Big Green Rooster

Once upon a time a cat and a dog and a mouse and a big green rooster all lived together in a little house.

Often the big green rooster would sleep all day on the soft couch in the living room. Some days the big green rooster would nap all day on the hammock on the shady back porch. On other days the big green rooster would snooze all day in the big chair in the parlor.

The cat and the dog and the mouse had to do all the housework. The cat cooked the meals and washed the dishes. The dog made the beds and swept the floor. The mouse washed the windows and mended the clothes.

Since the big green rooster could only be one place at a time, that left open two comfortable resting places.

If the cat or the dog or the mouse stopped working to rest on the couch or the porch or the chair the big green rooster would wake up. He would shout, “That’s my couch (or porch or chair)!” Then he would sleep wherever the cat or the dog or the mouse had tried to rest.

The cat and the dog and the mouse were too agitated by the big green rooster to get any rest during the day.

The cat and the dog and the mouse raked the leaves and cut the grass and tended the garden. One day when they were working in the garden they found some grains of wheat.

“Who will plant this wheat?” they all cried.

“Not I,” shouted the big green rooster from the soft couch in the living room.

“Then we will,” said the cat and the dog and the mouse. And they did.

Each morning the cat and the dog and the mouse watered the wheat and pulled the weeds. Soon the wheat pushed through the ground and the plants grew quickly.

When the wheat was ripe, the cat and the dog and the mouse asked, “Who will cut this wheat?”

“Not I,” yelled the big green rooster from the hammock on the back porch.

“Then we will,” said the cat and the dog and the mouse. And they did.

When the wheat was cut, the cat and the dog and the mouse asked, “Now, who will take this wheat to the mill to be ground into flour?”

“Not I,” exclaimed the big green rooster from the big chair in the parlor.

“Then we will,” said the cat and the dog and the mouse. And they did.

The cat and the dog and the mouse returned from the mill carrying bags of fine white flour. “Who will make a cake from this fresh white flour?” they asked.

“Not I,” declared the big green rooster from somewhere comfortable.

“Then we will,” said the cat and the dog and the mouse. And they did.

The cat gathered sticks and made a fire in the stove.

The dog took milk and sugar and eggs and butter and mixed them in a big bowl with the nice white flour.

When the oven was hot the mouse poured the cake batter into a pan and put it in the oven.

After a while a wonderful smell filled the little house.

The big green rooster got out of bed and strutted into the kitchen.

The cat and the dog and the mouse were taking a splendid cake out of the oven.

“Who will eat this cake?” they asked.

“Chicken eggs are in that cake,” said the big green rooster. “I am going to eat it.”

But the cat and the dog and the mouse said, “We found the wheat, we planted the wheat, we took care of the wheat, we cut the wheat, and we took the wheat to the mill to be ground into flour. We gathered the sticks, we built the fire, we mixed the cake, and we are going to eat it!”

But the big green rooster grabbed the cake and gobbled it down leaving only crumbs. The cat and the dog and the mouse ate the crumbs because nothing else was left from their hard work with the wheat.


Copyright July 20, 2009
eMeRaLD Effect Enterprises

Perhaps I fall in love too easily

(How many song titles can you find in this story?)

Perhaps I fall in love too easily but last night I had the craziest dream.

In my dream you were my melancholy baby. I wrote you love letters and sang you a moonlight serenade. I invited you to walk with me on the stairway to the stars. I said “Close your eyes and let’s fall in love.”

You said, “I’ve heard that song before; let’s not fall in love”.

Now my emotions are runnin’wild and I am the poor soul who sees no moon at all

Even though I’m on the street where you live and I’m getting sentimental over you, still I can’t get started with you. I guess I’m just a prisoner of love.

Perhaps someday my silent love will be fulfilled and you will love me at last. Perhaps the skylark will lead you to me. It could happen to you while we’re young.

Our honeymoon could be on a slow boat to China. Elder couples, charmed by us, would say, “Hello, young lovers!”.


Copyright July 31, 2010
eMeRaLD Effect Enterprises

Tales of the Coyote State Forest

The Coyote State Forest swimming pool had large horseflies last summer. Once I was swimming and two giant horseflies grabbed me by the hair, pulled me out of the water and dropped me on the pool deck. Then a housefly landed on me!

The Coyote State Forest swimming pool has a large amount of chlorine in it. One day a black snake fell into the pool. By the time it swam out on the other side it had turned solid white. Another day a black bear did a cannonball off the diving board. Out of the corner of my eye I saw it jump and I heard the thud when it hit bottom. By the time it came up for air it had become a polar bear.

The water in the Coyote State Forest swimming pool is very cold. One day a rattlesnake fell into the pool. By the time the lifeguard saved the rattlesnake it was so cold it was shaking badly. With the rattle at one end and the chattering teeth at the other end it sounded like a percussion band.

Once day a fellow caught a fish at the Forest pond. The strange thing was that he caught it by the tail. He said it was swimming backward to keep the water out of its eyes.

The maintenance crew at the Coyote State Forest is amazingly skilled with heavy equipment. They are able to place large boulders on the tops of mountains to create very attractive scenic overlooks. Their landscaping skills make it seem as if the rock formations have been there for millions of years.

The rangers have a busy time each spring when the black bears return from Florida. The line at the southern entrance to the Forest can be quite long and some of the bears become unruly as they wait impatiently. They can become quite testy about government regulations especially regarding their right to carry weapons.

The rangers are often occupied through the summer months with bear complaints as they come into the office. Commonly bears complain about rude campers, dirty restrooms and overly tight trash can lids. They also dislike poison ivy and briers on the trails and they seem unusually upset about poorly marked trails.

There is a large overabundance of coyotes in the Coyote State Forest. The rangers captured many of the coyotes and trained them to race while chasing a mechanical rabbit around a track. Forest visitors bet on which coyote will win the races. Lucrative revenues from coyote track gambling have enabled the Forest to operate with a large cash surplus.

If I’m lyin’, I’m dyin’.


Copyright January 29, 2011
eMeRaLD Effect Enterprises

Here is a story about Jerry West which may or may not be true:

In the 1956-57 season, several years before he became professional star with the Los Angeles Lakers, Jerry was a player on the freshman basketball team of the West Virginia University Mountaineers. He completed a successful season and he looked forward to the team banquet at the end of the season.

He was terribly shy and he struggled to get a date for the banquet. He finally had to settle for asking someone who didn’t know anything about basketball or his team mates.

While Jerry and his date were enjoying the meal Jerry was indicating the various coaches and players and telling her their names and talking about them.

Just as Jerry said, “and there’s Hot Rod Hundley”, his date exclaimed, “That looks like a panda to me!”

“It is a panda”, agreed Jerry, “but it is also Hot Rod Hundley”.

“How could a panda possibly be good at playing basketball?” asked his date.

“You might not expect it, explained Jerry, but that panda is a very talented basketball player. He is a senior and the team leader. We put him in a basketball uniform and do the best we can to make him look like a human being. To tell the truth the team wouldn’t be successful without him. He’s short and he’s slow, but he can dribble behind his back and between his legs. He often takes hook shots at the foul line and sometimes he hangs on the rim and waits for me to throw him a lob pass. He spins the ball on his fingers, rolls it down his arm, and even rolls it behind his back. In addition to all the daredevil maneuvers and antics he’s really a hot shooter so that’s why we call him ‘Hot Rod’.”

Jerry’s date did the best she could to accept what Jerry was saying about Hot Rod but she noticed what Hot Rod was eating and asked, “What is that strange stuff he is eating?”

“Since Hot Rod is a panda he requires a special diet, replied Jerry. It’s an especially difficult challenge to find food for him on team road trips because he just eats shoots and leaves.”

After the dinner it was the Mountaineer tradition to go to the gym and play a game of HORSE before the awards ceremony. Even though Hot Rod only took hook shots from the three point range he won the HORSE game. Later as they were moving back to the dining area Jerry’s date noticed Hot Rod shuffling down the hall on the way to the exit. She asked Jerry, “Isn’t Hot Rod going to stay for the awards ceremony?” “Oh no”, answered Jerry, “It’s Hot Rod’s tradition to never stay for the awards ceremony. He just eats, shoots, and leaves.”

Copyright (c) 2010
eMeRaLD Effect Enterprises